Once again the male-female ratio was about equal, with slightly more male respondents. Most responses came from Boston, Columbus, and New York but also from people living in Charlotte, Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Washington DC, and the boonies of Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont and Utah.
Responses to this FLASH QUIZ primarily fell into two categories: Those who see themselves in an existing Aaron Spelling production and those who created a new vehicle for their own star-power. The latter group went above and beyond answering. As if they already had their situation mapped out and were just waiting for someone to ask. Fortunately I asked. Some REALLY sat down and thought out an answer.
A few responses are just a week short of being made into proposals for shows and shipped off to the WB for consideration. Most of these took a self-deprecating approach to the question. They gave their shows negative titles and themes. One respondent called her show The Bitter Years. "Just as The Wonder Years was a nostalgic look back at the angst-ridden pre adolescent and adolescent years, this show will deal with the angst-ridden mid 30 years. A single mother to 2 small children; working for less than peanuts as a peon in the Ohio Public Defender's Office where the biggest career challenge she faces is whether to use the automatic or hand-held stapler; where the big action on Saturday night is steam-cleaning her carpet and marveling over the difference between the cleaned and not cleaned areas; and she gets excited over triple-coupon days at Kroger! Of course there would need to be a dream-sequence plot in every episode, where our heroine devises new and interesting ways to do away with her villainous ex-husband..." The respondent continues with the love interests for her character. "My character would be interested in a Chris North or Benjamin Bratt type, who of course, would have no interest whatsoever in me. However, Ed Asner and Gavin McCloud would."
Another came up with this possible series: Sexless in the City or Suddenly Single. "This dramedy would be a combination of Bridget Jones/Sex in the City/Mary Tyler Moore Show, about an attractive, professional, somewhat neurotic, outgoing, thirtysomething, freak-magnet, singleton making her way in a world of bad hair days, bad days at work, and bad dates while attempting to have a good time and poke fun at her situation. Possible one-liner: 'I've got everything going for me but no one wants it.'"
Another respondent, who insists he's funnier than Cybil Shephard, outlined this serial plot: "Struggling actor in Boston working multiple odd jobs to get by while waiting for his acting career to take flight." He envisions the show appearing on NBC's Thursday Night Must-See-TV. "I'll take on the slot competing with Survivor. I don't want those trashy Survivor fans watching my show anyway. (Tyrus, I assume you'd make due with at least taping Survivor in order not to miss an episode of my show.)" (Editor's note: I don't know what he's talking about! I DO NOT watch Reality TV. I don't. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or confused or both. I've never seen Survivor, Big Brother, the Mole, Temptation Island, Fear Factor, 1900 House, the Real World, Road Rules, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Murder in Small Town X, nor Making of the Band.)
From a grad student living out West came a show titled Herbin' Legends. Her character would be called "Goddess of the Ganja, a house mother to young granolas who need guidance. I would have a lovely garden and host outdoor dinner parties every weekend with wine, vegetarian fare, and a powerful mixed salad for dessert. The guest list would include artists and activists of varying ages and races. Together we would create a New World order. I would also occasionally take in those young lost granola boys and educate them in ways they won't even begin to understand until years later when they realize I've changed their lives forever." I think she's talking about sex.
Another describes a show set in "a house full of high tech workers right outside of New York, also know as the Silicon Parkway. Each week a different one of us would have a job, while the rest of us would be dealing with our most recent lay off and consequent job search." Others were similarly non-enthusiastic about their life story even making it to a television series. One respondent stated "it doesn't matter what my show would have been called. It would be cancelled so quickly it wouldn't be printed in the TV guide." Another wrote: "I think my life may be so uneventful that it went off the air. Actually, it might be played as late night re-runs sandwiched between Laverne & Shirley and Welcome Back Kotter."
Several respondents would like to be plopped down into existing shows. Among the most popular series are: Ally McBeal, Dallas, Fantasy Island, and the Love Boat. For example, "I'd be the homely bookworm on Beverly Hills 90210, and everyone would ridicule me, until one day my absentee dad reappears, and it turns out that he's Lord Fanshawe. Brenda throws herself at him, and tries to be my new best friend, and gives me a makeover, and then it backfires horribly, because I know all along that Brenda's just using me to get to my father. I'd use my new beauty and glamorousness to show the world Brenda's selfish nature by stealing Dylan (who's in on my plan from the start, being the only person who was genuinely nice to me), and then I'd go back to being a frumpy bookworm (though no longer homely). Brenda is eaten up by remorse and learns a valuable lesson, and she's about to apologize to me when Lord Fanshawe--who had been mystified the whole way through by Brenda's advances--decides that the American school system has had a dreadful influence on his daughter, that he doesn't want her associating with sixteen-year-olds who act like prostitutes, and takes her back to England with him, where she becomes a social success in spite of being a bookworm and lives happily ever after. Run closing credits."
When it came to casting, responses were all over the board. One Fantasy Island fan wrote "I would love to see Tattoo play me merely for the logistics involved: I'm tall and he's dead. Also, midgets make me giggle." I believe they prefer to be called Little People. But I suppose when they're dead it doesn't matter.
Among gay male respondents, Parker Posey and Tori Spelling were both high in demand. I have no comment, just thought I'd point it out. Another suggested Helena Handbasket or Mindy Kennedy-Ford play him. I'm not sure if these are existing drag queens or character names.
Other interesting casting calls include Matt LeBlanc, Liev Schreiber, Kadeem Hardison, Terri Hatcher, Lisa Kudrow, Burt Reynolds, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Paul Reubens, and the original Darren from Bewitched. One respondent didn't care who acted out her life story "as long as my red hot lover is played by Jude Law." Makes sense to me.
Another wrote: "playing me as an old-lady-looking-back would be Sophia Lauren and the young me would be played by Winona Ryder. I've chosen these leading ladies not because they're my look-a-likes, but (aha!) for the opposite...to protect my anonymity. (because conventional wisdom has it that you should never trust a gay man who says all responses will be kept confidential.)." Really (censored)? Does conventional wisdom really say that, (censored)? (censored) who grew up in Wyoming and now lives in Boston and is dating an Italian man? (censored) can be reached at (censored)@yahoo.com.
© 2005
