Before I even get started, let me say -Man, does this group dislike President Bush?!- His approval ratings may be higher than expected a year ago, but it's clear that Time, CNN, USAToday, Gallup, Fox News, Pew, and even the Weather Channel are NOT polling this collection of anti-establishment media whores. So much for John Ashcroft's "with us or against us" dichotomy.
Predictably, George W. Bush was cited in many predictions, most with negative connotations. Some revealed distrust for the President. "George W. Bush will gradually take away all our liberties and eventually assume status as dictator of the United States."
"After the war in Afghanistan comes to a close, George Bush will turn his attentions back to the US and we will again realize why we were so afraid of him in the first place." And "I predict that the skeletons in Governor Bush's closet will come out and he'll have to resign out of embarrassment." (Skeletons? Do I hear an Enron investigation scene being rehearsed in the wings?) While some merely ridiculed the office.
"George W. Bush will have his picture taken next to a Cobra assault helicopter wearing a cowboy hat and aviator sunglasses, and it will be shown on Fox News with "The Flight of the Valkyries" playing in the background." (I guess that's more a ridicule of the news media. Does Fox News qualify as news?) Others poked fun at the First Family. "Laura Bush, along with her two daughters, will be found early one summer morning aimlessly roaming the streets of Dallas after a long night guzzling long necks. Laura Bush will be muttering to herself, 'We'll be serving Buffalo which as you know is a traditional favorite of our Native Americans... ordinarily we would open our home to visitors but with all the commotion we've had to be extra careful with darkies and such...'".
As unlikely as this is, the only remotely positive Bush related prediction was that "George W. Bush will properly pronounce Taliban three times in one speech."
Other predictions in the political arena concerned Donald Rumsfeld (he'll be lost in Pakistan and found a cannibalistic cult), terrorism (this time in Europe), and Afghanistan (Afghanistan will have ten different power-sharing governments over the course of the year, none of which will actually have any power, and no member of which will actually share anything).
One technologically inclined predictor had this to say: "I predict that wars and conflicts will end in Afghanistan, the Middle East, and in Ireland, all because of the Segway scooter." Another simply stated "Gary Condit will be back in the news." Good thing, I was beginning to worry about him.
Other respondents saw important news from Hollywood while gazing in their crystal balls. A few chose to remark on the upcoming Star Wars prequel. "In Episode II, Jar Jar Binks will meet a gruesome and timely death." And "the second Star Wars prequel will be better than the first". It's good to be positive. I look forward to the fulfillment of both of these predictions.
Some saw life changes among celebrities. Madonna and Pamela Anderson had multiple predictions. "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will break up. He will date some black model, or maybe some white chic who's down with trying to act like a black girl (someone like...I don't know? Pink?) Pamela and Tommy Lee will have another ill-fated union that, thankfully, will not produce any more children." A conflicting view holds that "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will get married and have a sensationally ugly and stupid child." Really? And from such a promising gene pool. "I think Madonna will divorce Guy Ritchie, keep the British accent, lose 15 pounds, and pose for Playboy again." Another said that the material girl would become pregnant.
"Four words- Corey Haim, Huge Comeback." It could happen! Maybe he'll even appear on the celebrity edition of Survivor. One respondent saw in her crystal ball several actors and athletes publicly admitting that they are in fact gay. Tom Cruise will probably sue each of them.
From the Long-Winded But Probably True So I'll Print The Whole Thing Department: "Bill Maher will continue to talk about his electric car and Chris Rock will hop on the electric car band wagon as well. M*A*C will come out with a shade of lip gloss called "You Go Ho!" Halle Berry and Lenny Kravitz will hook up (you know it's just a matter of time); Whoopi Goldberg will have a lesbian affair; Don Johnson will cheat on his 5th wife and as a result, he will be back in the news briefly; Melanie Griffin will go back into rehab (maybe for something new like Oxycontin); Mick Jagger will sire yet another child, probably with someone younger than his eldest child (who is 31); "Sex in the City" will win another award; Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick will get a baby (either throw adoption or by natural means); people will get over Gwyneth Paltrow and find a new not-so-talented 20-something to photograph at every event. Light pink will become the "new neutral" and everyone will mix it with chocolate brown for a sort of updated Pucci-meets-Ralph-Lauren-Purple-Lable look."
While we're discussing fashion, one predictor wrote he "will suffer a lapse in judgment and wear linen before Memorial Day. Actually it won't really be a lapse, Gap will have made it fashionable by offering it in a new distressed fabrication suitable for anytime of the year." Close call.
Another predicts "In the 90s we saw the emergence of the 60s and 70s tie-dyed, paisley prints and bell bottoms. In the last two years we saw 70s polyester garb and 80s neck-less shirts. This year a predication worth betting on is the return of Cro-Magnon wear. Yes, that's right, fur will be back in. I also predict that PETA participants will be the first in line. Pamela Anderson and Fabio will be scrambling to have the first fur outfits. Christy Turlington and Tyra Banks will be sucking up to top designers to produce one of a kind Cro-Magnon wear. There will be a huge influx of designer knock-offs, which will be cattily referred to by the elite as Flintstone Wear. I predict that this will also make its way into everyday life. Furniture made out of stone, bone phones and the hot real estate will not be in Beverly Hills but in the Rocky Mountains where cave space will be sold for big bucks. To top off these multi-million dollar caves will of course be artist commissioned wall paintings. 'Man Chasing Large Animal With Spear' will be the most popular.
No matter how much we try to reinvent ourselves the more we fall back on the past. So I'm running to the gym. I for one don't want to look like a fatty in my sleeveless reindeer vest."
From a royal watcher came this prediction: "Prince Charles will marry Camilla after the Queen Mum dies. H.M the queen will frown MORE than usual after this event. The new Crown Princess of Norway will go back to taking drugs and being a party girl on the Oslo club circuit scene, and it will be discovered that she has another love child fathered by none other than Prince Edward, who isn't gay after all. Sophie, his wife, will divorce him and use her erstwhile royal connections to book big advertising accounts and conventions into Buckingham Palace as a money maker for the royal family, after Osama bin Laden's terrorists stampede angry herds of cattle into Windsor Castle and cover it in cattle shit, thus making it necessary for the Queen to clip the taxpaying/advertising account public into paying for the cleaning." I think we saw all that happen on the final season of Falcon Crest. Lorenzo Lamas played Prince Edward.
On a personal note, a few predicted that they would be married by the end of 2002 (better start working on this one). A great number predicted a jump-start to their sex lives (better start working on this one). Among the romance inclined predictions: "I predict that I will finally have sex again - after a lengthy period of 'rejection-inflicted celibacy.'" "I will meet the man of my dreams. He will already be with someone else, and I will be crushed. Actually, this usually happens weekly. And half the time they're married. To women." "I'll get lucky at NM last call." "My prediction for 2002 is that hell will freeze over when I have more than 3 dates with the same man and he does not: 1. Fly to Vegas and marry someone else; 2. Decide that he has too many feelings for me and cannot deal with them and must therefore stop seeing me at once; 3. Reveal his true age by inadvertently using his golden buckeye card to get a discount at the movies; OR 4. Tell me I am 'looking pretty good' for an 'older woman'! OUCH! Where do you meet these men? St. Mary's Bingo Hall? The skate board park?
And finally, I received two conflicting predictions relating to the Lake Erie Islands: "winter will come to South Bass Island and we will walk on Lake Erie" and "we will be fishing in the bay on January 1 but not through ice, with outboards instead." I'd call this Global Warming, but I'll need to study it some more.
Whatever the new year brings, I hope it's a safe one. At any rate, keep me laughing. Please.
© 2005
