unknown Diner

Tribeca, New York City

Our friend Lionel is visiting from France this week. For his first diner experience, Lionel wandered around Tribeca. There he had an omelet with cheddar cheese and potatoes. Also a cup of coffee, American style.

© 2005

Celeste Diner

Brooklyn, New York

Now working in downtown Brooklyn, for an insurance company. Keep those claims and accident reports coming. For lunch I had the Arizona Hero with fries and chocolate milk. The sandwich was a chicken salad with bacon, lettuce and tomato. Not sure if it's named after the state or the ship.



© 2005

The Angiogram

Angiogram: Round Two – My Adventure with Mr. Johnson

After the first aborted attempt at an angiogram, I returned to University Hospital two weeks later, better prepared. This time I knew not to eat anything after dinner the night before and that I would be spending the entire morning and afternoon in a hospital bed. Call me naïve, and many have, but when I was first scheduled for an angiogram of my left leg, I assumed it would be as breezy as the ultrasound, x-rays, and MRI that had already been performed.

Let me back up a second. I have a problem with my left ankle. It's swollen. Has been consistently for the past 7 years. There's no pain or loss of flexibility associated with it. It's just a fat swollen ankle. You've seen them before, mostly attached to the feet of older women in muumuus – often diabetics. Every doctor I've visited has been puzzled by why my left ankle is fat, yet functional. No matter what the problem I'm seeking medical treatment, the conversation always shifts to my ankle. Have a chest cold? That's nice, but what is wrong with your ankle?! Got an ear infection? That's easily treated, but how did you hurt your ankle?! Want to be tested for chlamydia? Your confidentiality is assured, but where did you stick your ankle?!
One day this summer, about two weeks after arriving in New Jersey, I woke up with a profound pain in my ankle. It had been slowly building for a few days, but one Wednesday it was so bad I couldn't stand. So, off we went to the emergency room where I was poked and prodded and referred to a podiatrist. Who, over the course of a month, recommended a number of tests, and diagnosed that there was a cyst above my ankle. About the size of two peas.

One test would be taken, and then another would be considered before the doctor could be certain that it was ok to remove the cyst.

Interestingly enough, while I was waiting for a final diagnosis, the pain went away. Completely. Can a cyst pop? If so does the fluid just spill into the rest of my body slowly causing moral decay? Or did my body naturally fight it? Or at least move it into a less painful neighborhood? Are our bodies full of pus filled sacks that we don't even notice?

These and other philosophical/medical queries may never be answered. Or maybe they will. At any rate, I was scheduled for an angiogram. And, as I mentioned above, I had no idea how involved an angiogram is. I thought I'd swing by the hospital in the morning, have the test, and zip on into the city for a day of work. The admitting nurse on that fateful day wasn't in the mood for me and my inexperience. I was sent away and rescheduled for another day. Which is a bureaucratic adventure in itself. Long story short – only a doctor can schedule an angiogram. But I managed to do it myself anyway.

So, round two. I'm in the hospital, trying to figure out which side of the gown is the back. I tried it on both ways. It fastened at the shoulder and the hip, so I couldn't decide which way was preferable. Did I want a plunging neck line or the V in back? Since it'd been a while since my neck and shoulders were shaved, I opted for an open chested gown. If only I'd packed some disco medallions.

The nurse, resembling Margaret Cho's mother, instructed me to remove my underwear. Creepy, cuz I was under the bedsheet at the time. X-ray vision?

Finally an orderly and a gurney came to the room and wheeled me down to the basement where the procedure would be performed. My guess is because it's near the morgue. I was introduced to the student doctor who would be assisting on the test. He ran down the procedure and three main things I should fear.

An angiogram, as I understand it, involves putting a catheter into an artery and then some dye injected into my blood. This will allow my arteries and veins to appear on an x-ray. The minute he said "catheter" I panicked thinking 'that's why I had to take my underwear off!' But, this wasn't one of THOSE catheters.

The student doctor – side note: when did all the doctors become younger than me? – the student doctor informed me that I had three dangers to consider. First, that the catheter could burst an artery and send my blood spilling everywhere. This could lead to death. My death, specifically. Second, that I could have an allergic reaction to the dye and die. And third, that my kidneys could have an issue with the dye and stop functioning properly. Again, death.

So, I signed my No Law Suit agreement and was wheeled into the lab.
I was heeved onto the "operating table" – such drama queens really, at this point I could have very easily walked in and laid down – and lay there for a while staring at the huge mountain of equipment hanging above me. I was hooked up to a number of pulse and heart monitoring machines and an oxygen tube was run under my nose. The dye would be injected into my left hip artery, so my hip was shaved.

I think it's playwright Maria Irene Fornes who wrote that everyone has genitals, we just spend our lives pretending we don't. Like me, Mr. Johnson is a leftist. With him hanging out near the left hip and razor flashing around nearby, I spent a hard time pretending he wasn't there. The barber did a pretty good job also of pretending Mr. Johnson wasn't there either. He'd nudge him a little with his knuckles, concentrating on the work at hand.

When the shaving was done, the student doctor and the doctor in charge came back. Disinfectant was rubbed all over the shaved area and well into the hairy spots. Again, Mr. Johnson was nudged and bumped. And again, I pretended as hard as I could that he just wasn't there. Finally, blankets and towels and table cloths were spread all over me and Mr. Johnson was finally out of sight. Which made it easier to pretend he wasn't in the room.

After the catheter was inserted I felt a rush of warm fluid poor over me. And the student doctor, a little too nervously for my taste, said "don't look, don't look, don't look" thereby affirming my fear that it was blood, my blood, I felt oozing over my hip and past Mr. Johnson's luggage.

But, everything ran smoothly after that. Dye injected, x-rays taken, catheter removed, pressure applied, bandage in place and I was wheeled back upstairs. Where I had to wait for 4 hours without moving. My blood pressure was measured every 15 minutes and my heart rate checked constantly. Unfortunately, I have a slow heart rate. Any time it dipped below 40 that machine would beep until someone came in and reset it. Seeing as I was just laying there, staring at the TV that only picked up PBS – just how much children's programming is necessary? – my heart rate dipped below 40 quite often. One nurse asked me "Are you an athlete?" "No," I said, "just really bored."

Lunch was a chicken salad sandwich and carrots, I peed twice in a bottle, and then got dressed and was sent home.

It's three days later, and my artery hasn't popped open and my kidneys don't seem to be having any trouble with the dye. I meet with the podiatrist again later to discuss what it all means. And Mr. Johnson is back to being ignored successfully.

© 2005

What Did You Eat for Breakfast?

Typical of previous Flash Quizzes, this one was weighted towards the US Midwest with 32% of respondents residing there. Ohio, at 22% of total responses, had the largest share. The US Northeast was a close second with 27% of respondents calling these states home. 13% of respondents were from the US South and 10% from California and Hawaii. Not to be completely outdone, 15% of responses came from outside the United States – Canada, France, the United Kingdom, Taiwan, and South Africa. In cases where a resident of one locale was visiting another during the time of the Quiz, her/his response was tabulated as coming from the vacation spot. This only impacted two responses however – two bi-coastal Californians, one visiting New York the other in Boston.

Unlike prior Flash Quizzes this one skewed feminine - 60% of respondents were women.

Judging from the responses, I'm glad to report that a majority of this group had a healthy breakfast. Only two respondents indicated that they ate nothing for breakfast. One Ohio gentleman is exempt from our scorn however as he was having blood work that day and was instructed by his health care providers not to eat. Ironic, eh?

Tea was consumed by 14% of respondents while 12% had juice – most typically orange – with their breakfast. One third of respondents had coffee. A few had only coffee. One Chicagoan downed "a medium coffee from White Hen. It was their house blend, which tastes pretty similar to Dunkin Donuts', the most wonderful coffee on Earth. Unfortunately, the Chicago Health Dept keeps shutting down the Dunkin Donuts that is by my office." The excitement of the day in Kentucky was a free venti coffee at Starbucks. The respondent doesn't indicate what he did to deserve the free coffee. But a perusal of the Lexington police blotter turned up nothing unusual.

Many respondents indicated that their breakfast choices are selected to help them with something. One tea drinker noted that she drinks ginseng tea as it is supposed to help with fatigue. A banana eater indicated that it helps her memory. She also couldn't remember what else she ate.

Among solid foods, cereal and oatmeal were enjoyed by 21%. One oatmeal eater admitted to sprinkling his with white wine – Dry Catawba from Heineman's Winery specifically.

Another Ohio oatmeal eater admitted to having it twice in one day, "since I was too lazy to go get anything else" she wrote.

Two respondents ate Raisin Bran. One in Hawaii bemoaned the $6 price while admitting she "couldn't resist the magnetic pull of the pretty new box." On the flip side, one Canadian enjoyed his "generic no name Raisin Bran", which I'm guessing cost less, even after the dollar conversion.

Fruit, waffles, and yogurt were also popular choices. Bananas, berries, and nectarines were mentioned most. One New England yogurt eater had to halt her breakfast halfway through due to the recent heat wave. "I was sitting on the front steps of my house to utilize the free wireless internet connection from some unknowing, benevolent neighbor. Eventually the yogurt grew a bit runny and I didn't finish it. Still hungry, I went inside for the yummy petit ecolier cookies with hazelnut chocolate frosting someone recently brought me from Paris. But she brought them on a 100+ degree day and they were all melted so I put them in the fridge. Today, needing a bit more in the belly and having no bread, I pulled the cookies out of the fridge and tried to eat them but three were stuck together. Trying to eat a triple decker of those things is difficult because there is a lot of crumblage."

Speaking of France, two Canadians on their final morning in the Alps enjoyed "coffee in a fancy espresso maker" and a frantic search for bread. "It was Sunday, and August, which means most shops have closed for vacances/fermerture annuel." Happily, croissants were located before the coffee cooled.

Eggs in one form or another were consumed by 14% of respondents, either over easy, scrambled, as part of a potato, egg and onion taco, a Burger King croissanwich, in an omelet, or fried with two slices of toast "with some DELICIOUS marmite on". (For the record, marmite is anything but DELICIOUS. I believe historically it's been used as roofing tar and flat tire sealant. It's also the primary ingredient in artificial fireplace logs. True.)

In the "Just Can't Get Enough" category, an Ohio respondent wrote "They just built a new Sheetz right around the corner from my work so I have had a hashbrown, bacon-egg-cheese Shmiscuit, a custard filled doughnut, a 'Red eye' coffee (large) and a diet A&W Cream soda... so far. I expect to go back for a frozen mocha and possibly a bagel. Note: Since the Sheetz opened 3 weeks ago, I've gained 9 pounds." My guess is if they made a marmite filled donut the pounds would just fall off.

Curiously, a woman in Massachusetts had "Barbie Pop Tarts and a Kool-Aid Jammer. Seriously." Seeing as Barbie is widely regarded as a tart, I guess it was only a matter of time. Wedgy potatoes from KFC and a chicken patty burger (from Ohio and Taiwan respectively) were other odd selections.

Four people had protein shakes or smoothies for breakfast. A visitor in New York had a "no longer frozen Grapefruit & Aloe Freeze with tapioca pearls." She made the observation that "easy access to bubble tea is the primary differentiator between Harlem and Mountain View, California." I would have thought the difference was somewhere closer to access to jazz, Popeye's Chicken, and Chuck Rangel. But I live in New Jersey.

A state of inebriation the night before was influential for two respondents. One in Virginia had "four bites of garlic chicken stuffed pasta with Alfredo sauce and a handful of peanuts." The other, a South African, "needed some grease" to make up for his night on the town. A Michigan respondent, who didn't mention a night out, had "pasta with grilled chicken, spinach, and dried Michigan cherries." He goes on to add that his "bowels emptied shortly after."

Among those alluding to diet concerns, granola, Rice Krispies (because they have lower Weight Watchers points than other cereals), and a "fat free blueberry muffin and a glass of fat free lactose free milk" (why not just eat water with unbleached flour?) were mentioned. One respondent in search of a diet wrote "Being overwhelmed by images of Desperate Housewives and also extremely vain, I am following Jared's advice and eating fresh! I had Subway around 1pm. I heard Meth is a good diet enhancer, got kitty litter? Just kidding!" Shocking, but sad, I hear that Jared also uses kitty litter as a Subway enhancer.

The Atkins diet was referenced by two respondents. "Toast with a side of Atkins disapproval" from Illinois and "a lemon French donut muffin – the new Atkins!" from Vermont.

Two respondents included Diet Coke in their breakfasts. An Ohioan said it was "not very satisfying" while another followed hers with a cigarette. Which, I hesitate to point out, usually follows a different activity.

And there you have it. The non-scientific, anecdotal polling of what you ate the week of August 4-11.



© 2005

Westway Diner

Hell's Kitchen, New York City

Although the restaurant was full of NY police, we weren't selected for a random bag search. Good thing since we were carrying counterfeit bills, stolen art, forged social security cards, bootlegged DVDs, and way too many controlled substances.

Douglas ordered three eggs (over easy of course), potatoes and toast. I had a western sandwich, which is basically a small western omelet on an english muffin. We shared a plate of sausage and both had water and coffee.

© 2005