Newark, New Jersey - founded 1666; population 280,000 (2005 estimate); 24.14 square miles (smallest of 100 largest US cities); 5 miles from Manhattan
Newark is the red headed step child of the US East Coast Megalopolis that stretches from Boston to Washington. To the eye, it's a rather depressed city. It's downtown has the necessary infrastructure of a large city: subway and tram system, large corporate buildings, parks, sweeping city hall plaza. But it just doesn't feel right. It's dirty and loud. Some of the buildings have scaffoldings that look like they've been up a long time. As if the intended refurbishing project never happened and the scaffoldings are a part of the building now. Like wearing a brace on your leg after an operation and then deciding the brace is too comforting to be temporary. I saw in Newark some potential. It's a city that can't decide what it wants to be, so stands committed to just being the best run down city it can. Which I'm sure makes Detroit nervous.
I found the city to be depressed not only economically but emotionally also. The people were not friendly. I witnessed a bus driver arguing with two passengers, drivers cutting through pedestrian walkways, and train station staff ignoring passenger questions. It made France look like a customer service paradise.
© 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I Said I Wanted to See a Real Doctor
I spent the better part of today waiting. I went to bed last night with a pain in my ankle. I woke up this morning with an intense pain in my ankle, foot, and calve. I have a hereditary condition my sister calls "Old Lady Foot". My mom calls it "Fat Foot". My dad simply calls it "the gout". Most of my friends call it "Oh My God What The Hell Is Wrong With Your Foot?"
"It's full of fluid" a doctor told me six years ago. He had just run a series of tests - MRI, ultrasound, x-ray, one involving a feather and a needle - and had come to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with my bones, veins, or lymphatic system. I was just holding fluid in my left foot. Like a camel.
But this past week that same foot was giving me some agony. So, I visited a clinic in Newark, New Jersey. Again we did the litany of medical tests. Feather - tickles. Needle - prick! X-ray - bones accounted. Ultrasound - it's a boy! But this time the technician discovered a lump 0.5cm x 1.3cm right above the inside ankle bone. Even after 9 months in France my metric skills aren't so great (except with temperature - I know now that 30 degrees Celsius is really hot), but I'm thinking 0.5 x 1.3 is probably the size of two peas. Maybe smaller.
However, I can gauge the lump in terms of pain. On a scale of "hitting thumb with hammer" to "child birth", it's about a "dropping anvil on foot with every step".
I waited in the waiting room, I waited behind a screen, I waited in the x-ray lab, I waited on the ultrasound table. And I go back later this week to see a podiatrist. I'll probably have to wait some there too.
As you can imagine, at this moment my brain is overflowing with jokes about podiatrists. And anvils. I'll keep you posted.
© 2005
"It's full of fluid" a doctor told me six years ago. He had just run a series of tests - MRI, ultrasound, x-ray, one involving a feather and a needle - and had come to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with my bones, veins, or lymphatic system. I was just holding fluid in my left foot. Like a camel.
But this past week that same foot was giving me some agony. So, I visited a clinic in Newark, New Jersey. Again we did the litany of medical tests. Feather - tickles. Needle - prick! X-ray - bones accounted. Ultrasound - it's a boy! But this time the technician discovered a lump 0.5cm x 1.3cm right above the inside ankle bone. Even after 9 months in France my metric skills aren't so great (except with temperature - I know now that 30 degrees Celsius is really hot), but I'm thinking 0.5 x 1.3 is probably the size of two peas. Maybe smaller.
However, I can gauge the lump in terms of pain. On a scale of "hitting thumb with hammer" to "child birth", it's about a "dropping anvil on foot with every step".
I waited in the waiting room, I waited behind a screen, I waited in the x-ray lab, I waited on the ultrasound table. And I go back later this week to see a podiatrist. I'll probably have to wait some there too.
As you can imagine, at this moment my brain is overflowing with jokes about podiatrists. And anvils. I'll keep you posted.
© 2005
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Train Diner
West Caldwell, New Jersey
I had a short stack of pancakes, scrambled eggs with cheese, and bacon. Douglas ordered eggs benedict with hashbrowns and sausage. We both had coffee and orange juice. Our very friendly waitress reminded me of Mildred Biddles with her bleached blonde hair, bright red lipstick and blue eyeliner. If her hair had been up in a beehive I would have thought I was at the Skyway circa 1974.
© 2005
I had a short stack of pancakes, scrambled eggs with cheese, and bacon. Douglas ordered eggs benedict with hashbrowns and sausage. We both had coffee and orange juice. Our very friendly waitress reminded me of Mildred Biddles with her bleached blonde hair, bright red lipstick and blue eyeliner. If her hair had been up in a beehive I would have thought I was at the Skyway circa 1974.
© 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
I Shop, Therefore I Am
It's a holiday weekend and what could be more patriotic than a trip to the mall? It's been very easy to sink back into the swing of things here. Particularly when it involves 25% off at Express Men and a 65% Customer Appreciation Sale at Macy's. We are now set for our day jobs. Four new shirts, a belt, and a pair of pants for me; Douglas bought one shirt, three pairs of pants, and two belts. Plus white handkerchiefs, three neck ties, socks, and flip-flops (in case we make it to the beach).
It's almost sickening how giddy this made me. It's been over a year since I bought a proper dress shirt. There's something about the trust between customer and salesman involved in this process that I find very soothing. Muhammed, the salesman, eyed our necks and judged our shoulders. Pulling the tape measure from his pocket he muttered his guess. "Yes," he said, "you're a 161/2." Then he eyed Douglas, "not you" and wrapping the measure around Douglas's neck he smiled knowingly. "151/2. Try the medium." He measured our arms and then made some recommendations. It was fun. I'm not convinced he approved of our tie selections - maybe we're too hip, or too outdated.
The day was happily topped off with a cinnabon. I bought the last one as they were kicking us out of the mall.
© 2005
It's almost sickening how giddy this made me. It's been over a year since I bought a proper dress shirt. There's something about the trust between customer and salesman involved in this process that I find very soothing. Muhammed, the salesman, eyed our necks and judged our shoulders. Pulling the tape measure from his pocket he muttered his guess. "Yes," he said, "you're a 161/2." Then he eyed Douglas, "not you" and wrapping the measure around Douglas's neck he smiled knowingly. "151/2. Try the medium." He measured our arms and then made some recommendations. It was fun. I'm not convinced he approved of our tie selections - maybe we're too hip, or too outdated.
The day was happily topped off with a cinnabon. I bought the last one as they were kicking us out of the mall.
© 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Rainbow Diner
Verona, New Jersey
I ordered the whole wheat pancakes with bananas and strawberries. Douglas had a waffle with berries and bacon. We both had coffee. Inspite of its name, the diner was not gay themed.
© 2005
I ordered the whole wheat pancakes with bananas and strawberries. Douglas had a waffle with berries and bacon. We both had coffee. Inspite of its name, the diner was not gay themed.
© 2005
Back in the US
Presently, Douglas and I are staying with his family in West Caldwell, New Jersey. It's been a hectic two weeks, but we're happy to have a comfortable base. It provides some sanity to the pace of heading into the City (New York City) every day for interviews, and finally, for work.
Douglas has been working on a capital campaign for the NY chapter of the National Mulitple Sclerosis Society. I found a position with a city club, the India House Club, in lower Manhattan. Yes, for the next couple of months I am their Director of Membership. I've had one day of training and jump in feet first on July 5. The woman I'm replacing trained me in a day last week. She had some colorful things to say about the club, it's employees, and, of course, it's members. I can hardly wait.
This past week, I put in some time for my friend Mark's consulting firm, integrating the file system for a natural bio-identical hormone replacement doctor. Quirky and interesting. Check her out at www.drerika.com. And, if you're going through menopause and want to try something other than the mare's urine derived hormone replacement therapy your doctor probably has you on, give her a shout.
We are (almost) back in the swing of being in the States. I've become reacquainted with diner food (pancakes, eggs, toast, potatoes AND bacon!!), re-joined a gym (to work off the bacon), and gotten lost on the NYC subway system (but getting better at it).
Spending nine months out of the country I was in for a few shocks - ie.: Britney Spears is pregnant?! Nicole Richie lost weight?! Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring?! I'm looking forward to becoming reacquainted with US Popular Culture.
Douglas's mom and step-dad have been very kind to us. Their home is big enough that we haven't had any bathroom hogging fights yet. If we're here for the whole summer, I believe I can say, it won't be too big of a problem. Of course, it would also be nice to be closer to the city. But I'm enjoying my life with the Tunnel and Bridge Crowd. For now, anyway.
That's about all the news for this week. More to come. As always.
© 2005
Douglas has been working on a capital campaign for the NY chapter of the National Mulitple Sclerosis Society. I found a position with a city club, the India House Club, in lower Manhattan. Yes, for the next couple of months I am their Director of Membership. I've had one day of training and jump in feet first on July 5. The woman I'm replacing trained me in a day last week. She had some colorful things to say about the club, it's employees, and, of course, it's members. I can hardly wait.
This past week, I put in some time for my friend Mark's consulting firm, integrating the file system for a natural bio-identical hormone replacement doctor. Quirky and interesting. Check her out at www.drerika.com. And, if you're going through menopause and want to try something other than the mare's urine derived hormone replacement therapy your doctor probably has you on, give her a shout.
We are (almost) back in the swing of being in the States. I've become reacquainted with diner food (pancakes, eggs, toast, potatoes AND bacon!!), re-joined a gym (to work off the bacon), and gotten lost on the NYC subway system (but getting better at it).
Spending nine months out of the country I was in for a few shocks - ie.: Britney Spears is pregnant?! Nicole Richie lost weight?! Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring?! I'm looking forward to becoming reacquainted with US Popular Culture.
Douglas's mom and step-dad have been very kind to us. Their home is big enough that we haven't had any bathroom hogging fights yet. If we're here for the whole summer, I believe I can say, it won't be too big of a problem. Of course, it would also be nice to be closer to the city. But I'm enjoying my life with the Tunnel and Bridge Crowd. For now, anyway.
That's about all the news for this week. More to come. As always.
© 2005
Caldwell
Caldwell, New Jersey is the birthplace of Grover Cleveland - the 22nd and 24th president of the United States. I have no idea what else he did. But Caldwell is a great town, with tree lined streets and beautiful homes.
© 2005
© 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Original Pancake House
West Caldwell, New Jersey
I had pancakes, bacon, and two scrambled eggs with cheese. Douglas ordered two eggs over easy, hashbrowns, and bacon. We both had coffee and orange juice. This was the last diner we ate in before leaving for France, so it was appropriate to restart here.
© 2005
I had pancakes, bacon, and two scrambled eggs with cheese. Douglas ordered two eggs over easy, hashbrowns, and bacon. We both had coffee and orange juice. This was the last diner we ate in before leaving for France, so it was appropriate to restart here.
© 2005
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Do you and your significant other have a special song?
This FLASH QUIZ generated a whopping 76 responses.
Respondents include the usual roundup of old and new friends, classmates, family members, and coworkers. The male/female ratio was statistically equal.
Geographically, the responses were overwhelmingly from residents of the US Northeast and Midwest - 38% each. The West Coast accounted for 13%, the South 7%, and the remaining 4% coming from overseas.
The respondents can be broken down into 4 categories: 1) Those with a Significant Other and a Song (SOS); 2) Those with a Significant Other but No Song (SONS); 3) Those who have No Significant Other and Are Bitter About It (NSOABAI); and 4) Those who were Confused by the Question (CQ).
My favorite responses came from the CQs. Two admitted they didn't understand the question. "I don't get this" and "I don't get it" they wrote. Another CQ respondent wrote "Is this for real? You're not going to the gym yet?" To their credit, all of the CQs had not participated in a FLASH QUIZ before. We'll see if they do again.
True to the nature of having a song unique to a couple, most of the SOSes listed a song that no other FLASH QUIZZER named. The one exception being "At Last" by Etta James, which 4 respondents listed as their song. Being a gorgeous song that's easy to dance to at weddings, I can't say I blame them.
Other SOSes listed loving songs like "Our Song" by Elton John, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline, "Love Will Keep Us Together" by the Captain and Tenille, "Long Time Coming" by Tragically Hip, "Cha Cha Cha d'Amour" by Dean Martin, and "You're The First, The Last, My Everything" by Barry White.
One up to date female respondent wrote that she and her husband pick a new song every year. Some responded with less than romantic titles such as "How Much is That Doggy in the Window" as sung by Rosemary Clooney and the theme to "Bananas in Pajamas". I don't want to think much about what goes on in those households - it might even be illegal in Texas.
One respondent couldn't remember the name of the song she shares with her boyfriend, identifying it only as "That 'butterfly' song that was on FNX for a while a couple of years ago." Sounds like a keeper! One romantic respondent admitted to having not just a song, but an entire film score. Although she didn't indicate which film score. Casablanca = romantic; Thelma and Louise = not quite. Speaking of the not quite so romantic, one SOSer listed "You Made Me Love You", indicating that he got his man "kicking and screaming until he was too exhausted and gave up."
Among the SONSes, a variety of reasons were given for not having a song. One wrote "I think those people who do are duds." Another said "what are we 12?" A married respondent wrote "NOPE. That's a bummer that we don't!" and from a respondent in a seemingly progressive relationship "If we do, the songs are not the same." Why limit a special song shared by two people to just one song that you both like? In fact that theme appeared frequently. From one respondent came "no but he does" and another stated "No, but there are definitely remember when songs".
The NSOABAIs gave the most creative responses. "He's Got the Whole World in His Hand" and "Separate Lives" by Phil Collins are my two favorites. The latter respondent went on to write "or any song where 'f*$@ you' is the message." She puts the B in NSOABAI! Likewise another writes "Me, myself, and I have a song …it contains the lines: '...I've learned a lot since you've been gone...'". Some cited their cats ("my cat doesn't seem too partial to music") and their toys ("Booboo is the only thing I've been sleeping with lately"). Which is sweet, in that "I'm crazy" sort of way.
Many of the NSOABAIs accused the question of being insensitive. One wrote "It's awfully soon after Valentine's Day to be making people think about significant others or lack thereof. My case is the latter. Pshaw!" and another "Just another cruel, cruel reminder that my significant other is imaginary, and yes, our song is 'Making Love Out of Nothing at All'". But hey, if the man of your dreams is only in your dreams then maybe when you're … sorry, I got lost.
The final word goes to a respondent I wasn't sure how to categorize. She writes "...where is my wife and family? What if I die here? Who'll be my role model, now that my role model is gone, gone, ducked back down the alley with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl..." Sadly, I just don't know.
© 2005
Respondents include the usual roundup of old and new friends, classmates, family members, and coworkers. The male/female ratio was statistically equal.
Geographically, the responses were overwhelmingly from residents of the US Northeast and Midwest - 38% each. The West Coast accounted for 13%, the South 7%, and the remaining 4% coming from overseas.
The respondents can be broken down into 4 categories: 1) Those with a Significant Other and a Song (SOS); 2) Those with a Significant Other but No Song (SONS); 3) Those who have No Significant Other and Are Bitter About It (NSOABAI); and 4) Those who were Confused by the Question (CQ).
My favorite responses came from the CQs. Two admitted they didn't understand the question. "I don't get this" and "I don't get it" they wrote. Another CQ respondent wrote "Is this for real? You're not going to the gym yet?" To their credit, all of the CQs had not participated in a FLASH QUIZ before. We'll see if they do again.
True to the nature of having a song unique to a couple, most of the SOSes listed a song that no other FLASH QUIZZER named. The one exception being "At Last" by Etta James, which 4 respondents listed as their song. Being a gorgeous song that's easy to dance to at weddings, I can't say I blame them.
Other SOSes listed loving songs like "Our Song" by Elton John, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline, "Love Will Keep Us Together" by the Captain and Tenille, "Long Time Coming" by Tragically Hip, "Cha Cha Cha d'Amour" by Dean Martin, and "You're The First, The Last, My Everything" by Barry White.
One up to date female respondent wrote that she and her husband pick a new song every year. Some responded with less than romantic titles such as "How Much is That Doggy in the Window" as sung by Rosemary Clooney and the theme to "Bananas in Pajamas". I don't want to think much about what goes on in those households - it might even be illegal in Texas.
One respondent couldn't remember the name of the song she shares with her boyfriend, identifying it only as "That 'butterfly' song that was on FNX for a while a couple of years ago." Sounds like a keeper! One romantic respondent admitted to having not just a song, but an entire film score. Although she didn't indicate which film score. Casablanca = romantic; Thelma and Louise = not quite. Speaking of the not quite so romantic, one SOSer listed "You Made Me Love You", indicating that he got his man "kicking and screaming until he was too exhausted and gave up."
Among the SONSes, a variety of reasons were given for not having a song. One wrote "I think those people who do are duds." Another said "what are we 12?" A married respondent wrote "NOPE. That's a bummer that we don't!" and from a respondent in a seemingly progressive relationship "If we do, the songs are not the same." Why limit a special song shared by two people to just one song that you both like? In fact that theme appeared frequently. From one respondent came "no but he does" and another stated "No, but there are definitely remember when songs".
The NSOABAIs gave the most creative responses. "He's Got the Whole World in His Hand" and "Separate Lives" by Phil Collins are my two favorites. The latter respondent went on to write "or any song where 'f*$@ you' is the message." She puts the B in NSOABAI! Likewise another writes "Me, myself, and I have a song …it contains the lines: '...I've learned a lot since you've been gone...'". Some cited their cats ("my cat doesn't seem too partial to music") and their toys ("Booboo is the only thing I've been sleeping with lately"). Which is sweet, in that "I'm crazy" sort of way.
Many of the NSOABAIs accused the question of being insensitive. One wrote "It's awfully soon after Valentine's Day to be making people think about significant others or lack thereof. My case is the latter. Pshaw!" and another "Just another cruel, cruel reminder that my significant other is imaginary, and yes, our song is 'Making Love Out of Nothing at All'". But hey, if the man of your dreams is only in your dreams then maybe when you're … sorry, I got lost.
The final word goes to a respondent I wasn't sure how to categorize. She writes "...where is my wife and family? What if I die here? Who'll be my role model, now that my role model is gone, gone, ducked back down the alley with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl..." Sadly, I just don't know.
© 2005
Thursday, December 27, 2001
What are your predictions for the upcoming year?
Before I even get started, let me say -Man, does this group dislike President Bush?!- His approval ratings may be higher than expected a year ago, but it's clear that Time, CNN, USAToday, Gallup, Fox News, Pew, and even the Weather Channel are NOT polling this collection of anti-establishment media whores. So much for John Ashcroft's "with us or against us" dichotomy.
Predictably, George W. Bush was cited in many predictions, most with negative connotations. Some revealed distrust for the President. "George W. Bush will gradually take away all our liberties and eventually assume status as dictator of the United States."
"After the war in Afghanistan comes to a close, George Bush will turn his attentions back to the US and we will again realize why we were so afraid of him in the first place." And "I predict that the skeletons in Governor Bush's closet will come out and he'll have to resign out of embarrassment." (Skeletons? Do I hear an Enron investigation scene being rehearsed in the wings?) While some merely ridiculed the office.
"George W. Bush will have his picture taken next to a Cobra assault helicopter wearing a cowboy hat and aviator sunglasses, and it will be shown on Fox News with "The Flight of the Valkyries" playing in the background." (I guess that's more a ridicule of the news media. Does Fox News qualify as news?) Others poked fun at the First Family. "Laura Bush, along with her two daughters, will be found early one summer morning aimlessly roaming the streets of Dallas after a long night guzzling long necks. Laura Bush will be muttering to herself, 'We'll be serving Buffalo which as you know is a traditional favorite of our Native Americans... ordinarily we would open our home to visitors but with all the commotion we've had to be extra careful with darkies and such...'".
As unlikely as this is, the only remotely positive Bush related prediction was that "George W. Bush will properly pronounce Taliban three times in one speech."
Other predictions in the political arena concerned Donald Rumsfeld (he'll be lost in Pakistan and found a cannibalistic cult), terrorism (this time in Europe), and Afghanistan (Afghanistan will have ten different power-sharing governments over the course of the year, none of which will actually have any power, and no member of which will actually share anything).
One technologically inclined predictor had this to say: "I predict that wars and conflicts will end in Afghanistan, the Middle East, and in Ireland, all because of the Segway scooter." Another simply stated "Gary Condit will be back in the news." Good thing, I was beginning to worry about him.
Other respondents saw important news from Hollywood while gazing in their crystal balls. A few chose to remark on the upcoming Star Wars prequel. "In Episode II, Jar Jar Binks will meet a gruesome and timely death." And "the second Star Wars prequel will be better than the first". It's good to be positive. I look forward to the fulfillment of both of these predictions.
Some saw life changes among celebrities. Madonna and Pamela Anderson had multiple predictions. "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will break up. He will date some black model, or maybe some white chic who's down with trying to act like a black girl (someone like...I don't know? Pink?) Pamela and Tommy Lee will have another ill-fated union that, thankfully, will not produce any more children." A conflicting view holds that "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will get married and have a sensationally ugly and stupid child." Really? And from such a promising gene pool. "I think Madonna will divorce Guy Ritchie, keep the British accent, lose 15 pounds, and pose for Playboy again." Another said that the material girl would become pregnant.
"Four words- Corey Haim, Huge Comeback." It could happen! Maybe he'll even appear on the celebrity edition of Survivor. One respondent saw in her crystal ball several actors and athletes publicly admitting that they are in fact gay. Tom Cruise will probably sue each of them.
From the Long-Winded But Probably True So I'll Print The Whole Thing Department: "Bill Maher will continue to talk about his electric car and Chris Rock will hop on the electric car band wagon as well. M*A*C will come out with a shade of lip gloss called "You Go Ho!" Halle Berry and Lenny Kravitz will hook up (you know it's just a matter of time); Whoopi Goldberg will have a lesbian affair; Don Johnson will cheat on his 5th wife and as a result, he will be back in the news briefly; Melanie Griffin will go back into rehab (maybe for something new like Oxycontin); Mick Jagger will sire yet another child, probably with someone younger than his eldest child (who is 31); "Sex in the City" will win another award; Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick will get a baby (either throw adoption or by natural means); people will get over Gwyneth Paltrow and find a new not-so-talented 20-something to photograph at every event. Light pink will become the "new neutral" and everyone will mix it with chocolate brown for a sort of updated Pucci-meets-Ralph-Lauren-Purple-Lable look."
While we're discussing fashion, one predictor wrote he "will suffer a lapse in judgment and wear linen before Memorial Day. Actually it won't really be a lapse, Gap will have made it fashionable by offering it in a new distressed fabrication suitable for anytime of the year." Close call.
Another predicts "In the 90s we saw the emergence of the 60s and 70s tie-dyed, paisley prints and bell bottoms. In the last two years we saw 70s polyester garb and 80s neck-less shirts. This year a predication worth betting on is the return of Cro-Magnon wear. Yes, that's right, fur will be back in. I also predict that PETA participants will be the first in line. Pamela Anderson and Fabio will be scrambling to have the first fur outfits. Christy Turlington and Tyra Banks will be sucking up to top designers to produce one of a kind Cro-Magnon wear. There will be a huge influx of designer knock-offs, which will be cattily referred to by the elite as Flintstone Wear. I predict that this will also make its way into everyday life. Furniture made out of stone, bone phones and the hot real estate will not be in Beverly Hills but in the Rocky Mountains where cave space will be sold for big bucks. To top off these multi-million dollar caves will of course be artist commissioned wall paintings. 'Man Chasing Large Animal With Spear' will be the most popular.
No matter how much we try to reinvent ourselves the more we fall back on the past. So I'm running to the gym. I for one don't want to look like a fatty in my sleeveless reindeer vest."
From a royal watcher came this prediction: "Prince Charles will marry Camilla after the Queen Mum dies. H.M the queen will frown MORE than usual after this event. The new Crown Princess of Norway will go back to taking drugs and being a party girl on the Oslo club circuit scene, and it will be discovered that she has another love child fathered by none other than Prince Edward, who isn't gay after all. Sophie, his wife, will divorce him and use her erstwhile royal connections to book big advertising accounts and conventions into Buckingham Palace as a money maker for the royal family, after Osama bin Laden's terrorists stampede angry herds of cattle into Windsor Castle and cover it in cattle shit, thus making it necessary for the Queen to clip the taxpaying/advertising account public into paying for the cleaning." I think we saw all that happen on the final season of Falcon Crest. Lorenzo Lamas played Prince Edward.
On a personal note, a few predicted that they would be married by the end of 2002 (better start working on this one). A great number predicted a jump-start to their sex lives (better start working on this one). Among the romance inclined predictions: "I predict that I will finally have sex again - after a lengthy period of 'rejection-inflicted celibacy.'" "I will meet the man of my dreams. He will already be with someone else, and I will be crushed. Actually, this usually happens weekly. And half the time they're married. To women." "I'll get lucky at NM last call." "My prediction for 2002 is that hell will freeze over when I have more than 3 dates with the same man and he does not: 1. Fly to Vegas and marry someone else; 2. Decide that he has too many feelings for me and cannot deal with them and must therefore stop seeing me at once; 3. Reveal his true age by inadvertently using his golden buckeye card to get a discount at the movies; OR 4. Tell me I am 'looking pretty good' for an 'older woman'! OUCH! Where do you meet these men? St. Mary's Bingo Hall? The skate board park?
And finally, I received two conflicting predictions relating to the Lake Erie Islands: "winter will come to South Bass Island and we will walk on Lake Erie" and "we will be fishing in the bay on January 1 but not through ice, with outboards instead." I'd call this Global Warming, but I'll need to study it some more.
Whatever the new year brings, I hope it's a safe one. At any rate, keep me laughing. Please.
© 2005
Predictably, George W. Bush was cited in many predictions, most with negative connotations. Some revealed distrust for the President. "George W. Bush will gradually take away all our liberties and eventually assume status as dictator of the United States."
"After the war in Afghanistan comes to a close, George Bush will turn his attentions back to the US and we will again realize why we were so afraid of him in the first place." And "I predict that the skeletons in Governor Bush's closet will come out and he'll have to resign out of embarrassment." (Skeletons? Do I hear an Enron investigation scene being rehearsed in the wings?) While some merely ridiculed the office.
"George W. Bush will have his picture taken next to a Cobra assault helicopter wearing a cowboy hat and aviator sunglasses, and it will be shown on Fox News with "The Flight of the Valkyries" playing in the background." (I guess that's more a ridicule of the news media. Does Fox News qualify as news?) Others poked fun at the First Family. "Laura Bush, along with her two daughters, will be found early one summer morning aimlessly roaming the streets of Dallas after a long night guzzling long necks. Laura Bush will be muttering to herself, 'We'll be serving Buffalo which as you know is a traditional favorite of our Native Americans... ordinarily we would open our home to visitors but with all the commotion we've had to be extra careful with darkies and such...'".
As unlikely as this is, the only remotely positive Bush related prediction was that "George W. Bush will properly pronounce Taliban three times in one speech."
Other predictions in the political arena concerned Donald Rumsfeld (he'll be lost in Pakistan and found a cannibalistic cult), terrorism (this time in Europe), and Afghanistan (Afghanistan will have ten different power-sharing governments over the course of the year, none of which will actually have any power, and no member of which will actually share anything).
One technologically inclined predictor had this to say: "I predict that wars and conflicts will end in Afghanistan, the Middle East, and in Ireland, all because of the Segway scooter." Another simply stated "Gary Condit will be back in the news." Good thing, I was beginning to worry about him.
Other respondents saw important news from Hollywood while gazing in their crystal balls. A few chose to remark on the upcoming Star Wars prequel. "In Episode II, Jar Jar Binks will meet a gruesome and timely death." And "the second Star Wars prequel will be better than the first". It's good to be positive. I look forward to the fulfillment of both of these predictions.
Some saw life changes among celebrities. Madonna and Pamela Anderson had multiple predictions. "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will break up. He will date some black model, or maybe some white chic who's down with trying to act like a black girl (someone like...I don't know? Pink?) Pamela and Tommy Lee will have another ill-fated union that, thankfully, will not produce any more children." A conflicting view holds that "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will get married and have a sensationally ugly and stupid child." Really? And from such a promising gene pool. "I think Madonna will divorce Guy Ritchie, keep the British accent, lose 15 pounds, and pose for Playboy again." Another said that the material girl would become pregnant.
"Four words- Corey Haim, Huge Comeback." It could happen! Maybe he'll even appear on the celebrity edition of Survivor. One respondent saw in her crystal ball several actors and athletes publicly admitting that they are in fact gay. Tom Cruise will probably sue each of them.
From the Long-Winded But Probably True So I'll Print The Whole Thing Department: "Bill Maher will continue to talk about his electric car and Chris Rock will hop on the electric car band wagon as well. M*A*C will come out with a shade of lip gloss called "You Go Ho!" Halle Berry and Lenny Kravitz will hook up (you know it's just a matter of time); Whoopi Goldberg will have a lesbian affair; Don Johnson will cheat on his 5th wife and as a result, he will be back in the news briefly; Melanie Griffin will go back into rehab (maybe for something new like Oxycontin); Mick Jagger will sire yet another child, probably with someone younger than his eldest child (who is 31); "Sex in the City" will win another award; Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick will get a baby (either throw adoption or by natural means); people will get over Gwyneth Paltrow and find a new not-so-talented 20-something to photograph at every event. Light pink will become the "new neutral" and everyone will mix it with chocolate brown for a sort of updated Pucci-meets-Ralph-Lauren-Purple-Lable look."
While we're discussing fashion, one predictor wrote he "will suffer a lapse in judgment and wear linen before Memorial Day. Actually it won't really be a lapse, Gap will have made it fashionable by offering it in a new distressed fabrication suitable for anytime of the year." Close call.
Another predicts "In the 90s we saw the emergence of the 60s and 70s tie-dyed, paisley prints and bell bottoms. In the last two years we saw 70s polyester garb and 80s neck-less shirts. This year a predication worth betting on is the return of Cro-Magnon wear. Yes, that's right, fur will be back in. I also predict that PETA participants will be the first in line. Pamela Anderson and Fabio will be scrambling to have the first fur outfits. Christy Turlington and Tyra Banks will be sucking up to top designers to produce one of a kind Cro-Magnon wear. There will be a huge influx of designer knock-offs, which will be cattily referred to by the elite as Flintstone Wear. I predict that this will also make its way into everyday life. Furniture made out of stone, bone phones and the hot real estate will not be in Beverly Hills but in the Rocky Mountains where cave space will be sold for big bucks. To top off these multi-million dollar caves will of course be artist commissioned wall paintings. 'Man Chasing Large Animal With Spear' will be the most popular.
No matter how much we try to reinvent ourselves the more we fall back on the past. So I'm running to the gym. I for one don't want to look like a fatty in my sleeveless reindeer vest."
From a royal watcher came this prediction: "Prince Charles will marry Camilla after the Queen Mum dies. H.M the queen will frown MORE than usual after this event. The new Crown Princess of Norway will go back to taking drugs and being a party girl on the Oslo club circuit scene, and it will be discovered that she has another love child fathered by none other than Prince Edward, who isn't gay after all. Sophie, his wife, will divorce him and use her erstwhile royal connections to book big advertising accounts and conventions into Buckingham Palace as a money maker for the royal family, after Osama bin Laden's terrorists stampede angry herds of cattle into Windsor Castle and cover it in cattle shit, thus making it necessary for the Queen to clip the taxpaying/advertising account public into paying for the cleaning." I think we saw all that happen on the final season of Falcon Crest. Lorenzo Lamas played Prince Edward.
On a personal note, a few predicted that they would be married by the end of 2002 (better start working on this one). A great number predicted a jump-start to their sex lives (better start working on this one). Among the romance inclined predictions: "I predict that I will finally have sex again - after a lengthy period of 'rejection-inflicted celibacy.'" "I will meet the man of my dreams. He will already be with someone else, and I will be crushed. Actually, this usually happens weekly. And half the time they're married. To women." "I'll get lucky at NM last call." "My prediction for 2002 is that hell will freeze over when I have more than 3 dates with the same man and he does not: 1. Fly to Vegas and marry someone else; 2. Decide that he has too many feelings for me and cannot deal with them and must therefore stop seeing me at once; 3. Reveal his true age by inadvertently using his golden buckeye card to get a discount at the movies; OR 4. Tell me I am 'looking pretty good' for an 'older woman'! OUCH! Where do you meet these men? St. Mary's Bingo Hall? The skate board park?
And finally, I received two conflicting predictions relating to the Lake Erie Islands: "winter will come to South Bass Island and we will walk on Lake Erie" and "we will be fishing in the bay on January 1 but not through ice, with outboards instead." I'd call this Global Warming, but I'll need to study it some more.
Whatever the new year brings, I hope it's a safe one. At any rate, keep me laughing. Please.
© 2005
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